you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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