I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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