So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
