Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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