I'm eating all of the evidence.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
