I hate all girls vehemently.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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