Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
