wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
