Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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