Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
