Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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