My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
