I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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