Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize