They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
