Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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