After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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