You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
