I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
