I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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