Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
