I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
