i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
