Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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