Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
