Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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