I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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