I hate all girls vehemently.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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