Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The power of my boobs compel you
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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