my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
