I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have fence marks all over my body
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
