that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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