I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
