Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize