and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
