So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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