i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
