I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
