Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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