I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
