just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
