There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
