Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
