he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
50% drunk capacity currently
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
These tits shall not be calmed
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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