I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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