We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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