theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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