I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
