I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we made out on top of his cat.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
