I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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