WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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