Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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