My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
