it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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