I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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