i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
