I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
