I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
