Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
