My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize