Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
