Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
